ChevsLife

Lifestyle & Parenting Blog

Living a Life Worth Loving

I felt a euphoric peacefulness where no thoughts could penetrate, no turmoil could reach me. I drifted into a place where feelings no longer existed.

Through this ecstasy I recall barely standing on my two feet while my parents moved me down the stairs.  I remember the sweet liquorice taste of activated charcoal; the most exquisite taste ever!

I came to my senses in a hospital bed, tucked in tight with my family (mom, dad and brother) standing around my bed. My first reaction was to ask my dad to say a prayer; I somehow found comfort in hearing his familiar voice, praying…

I was 18 years old, the deepest darkest and loneliest time in my life. Inside my world was crashing into a gazillion pieces.

Around me it was life as usual…I was yet to face my biggest and darkest demon. An experience that kept me filled with intense abhorrence, rage and the despicable truths of human nature…

All I wanted to do was sleep. Not die, just sleep forever! I gradually dosed myself with my mom’s medication – she had a huge variety and enough stock to last her 3 months. Each time I woke up from my euphoria, I made my way to her medicine cabinet and took a handful of pills, climbed back into bed and closed my eyes. Peace…

After my stint in hospital, realizing that my “just wanting to sleep, forever” was in fact another way of saying, “I’d rather die than live a life where no one seemed to care”. Invisible me. The haunting shadow of a childhood lost.

The fact that I was still alive, to me, was a sign that I needed to be here. Surely if it wasn’t I would have died a peaceful euphoric death, and would be none the wiser of how many hearts would have been broken and shattered; leaving my family to pick up the pieces…

The first thing I did when I arrived home from the hospital was to write this note to myself and paste it on my wall “To live is to love, to love is to give, to give is to care, and to care is to love”

Somehow it reminded me that loving myself IS enough, and that caring for others IS to live, and to truly live I HAD to love myself and not allow the world and, sometimes, its harsh realities, to shatter my spirit and self worth.

A few weeks later the summons came and I faced my childhood demon head-on in court, with the support of my mom and dad at the age of 18. It took more than twelve months and MANY court appearances to set me free and allow me to live a life worth loving…

And years later, after my son was born, I experienced the power of forgiveness and was once again touched by euphoric peacefulness… Letting go of the suppressed hate and anger.

You see, my self-worth and self-esteem was slowly stripped away by a sexual predator who molested me during primary school years.

The molestation stopped when I entered high school, but the emotional abuse continued throughout my teen years. Haunting my subconscious and manipulating me to believe that I was worthless and revolting. My feelings of guilt and shame was drowned out at weekend raves and trance parties, beers and vodka.

My parents referred to me as a weekend alcoholic. My dad thought I was a slut! My behaviour did not fit with their picture perfect God-fearing family. Their church, their everything.

Eventually I could no longer take the deafening silence. I addressed a letter to them, informing them that I’m no slut, but that an adult, very close to our family, stripped me of my childhood.

I was 18 years old when my mother went with me to the police station where I opened a criminal case. The verdict, almost two years later; Guilty. Five year suspended sentence for indecent assault.

The outcome was of no consequence to me, what mattered was that this action enabled me to TAKE BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE!

No longer would I live a life in the shadows of my anger, my hatred. No longer would I look in the mirror and pray that my skinny bones, straightened hair and picture perfect make-up would give me an ounce of fake self-worth that I craved for so many years. No longer would I depend on fake hugs dished out for at trance parties to feel like I belonged. No longer would I need vodka shots to dull the ugliness inside. No longer would I be a prisoner of this repulsive creature created by this person. For I am triumphant, I am courageous and I AM BEAUTIFUL, worthy of love and born to shine!

“Live your best life, even in your weakest moments” – Chevone Petersen (19 years old at the time).

Contact Childline on 08000 55 555,  “every child’s story deserves a happy ending”.

I also dedicate this post to a fellow Blogger whose post, Revelations at Dawn, inspired me to publish this which I have written a long time ago…Thank you Dave, here is to your third anniversary of sobriety!

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18 comments on “Living a Life Worth Loving

  1. survivingjonkersville
    April 16, 2015

    Oh Chevonne! Reading this made me so sad. *choking on tears* I’m happy that you didn’t succeed. Both you and Dave. You guys are conquerors. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Don’t ever forget that. Thank you for sharing your story. *virtual hugs*

    Like

    • ChevsLife
      April 16, 2015

      Thanks you Celeste! I had no intention to self-harming, I just wanted to stop feeling…but after waking up in the hospital, I realised that this is how suicides happen.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Chantel
    April 16, 2015

    you are so brave friend. u inspire me to be a better person. things happen in our lives that change us forever but we should never let it “own” us. everyone deals with trauma in their own way, but when they have reached that rock bottom moment, they push back up to the surface, they take control, they move past the fear and conquer. in the end, we shine brighter than before. we are stronger than before. we live better than we ever did before. we breath again

    I once read a post on facebook that i think is so true. it said “damaged” people are the most fearless because they know they can survive.

    Like

    • ChevsLife
      April 16, 2015

      My JoziDiva, we’ve been through a lot you and I. The ability to feel means that we are alive, probably more so than others…I still remember you asking my why I was in hospital…xoxo

      Like

  3. Dave
    April 16, 2015

    Oh wow. What a powerful powerful piece of writing, about a phenomenally difficult stage in your life.
    You have laid bare these demons and disarmed them doing so.
    You have reclaimed not only the lost childhood, but a new life, of purpose and love. You have revealed your family’s concern, care and love for you. I am in awe of this writing, your process and your bravery! Thank you for sharing! Xxx

    Like

    • ChevsLife
      April 16, 2015

      Thank you Dave!The court ordeal itself was very traumatic – the system is not “designed” for victims of any form of sexual assault…and this is why so many cases go unreported or aren’t followed through. This experience destroyed our extended family relationships and it also made me question the role of religious institutions and how they deal with these situations…everything changed the day I sat with a female police officer in a tiny room to give my statement. When I think about it it feels surreal; a lifetime ago 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dave
        April 16, 2015

        This is part of the reason I won’t report my rape. How brutal to relive it and be made to feel like it was deserved…no. My healing will happen without legal intervention, with a lot of forgiveness and daily reminders that I am moving on.

        Like

      • ChevsLife
        April 16, 2015

        Dave it pains me to know that you’ve been violated…it saddens me that the very system that is meant to protect, actually causes more harm than anything else.

        What I do know is that forgiveness is not easy, but it brings inner peace, it set me free of hate and anger.

        Sending you hugs and strength. Let’s go walk on the beach sometime this weekend 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dave
        April 17, 2015

        I think that is a stellar plan!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Heather
    April 18, 2015

    Chevonne I had no idea you had been through all of this – what a brave post and inspirational as well.

    Like

    • ChevsLife
      April 18, 2015

      Thanks Heather. Before I published this post, very few people knew. This is the first time I’ve talked about it outside the counseling room, more than a decade ago.

      When I walked out of court on that final day, I closed the door on this chapter of my life. The day MY life began.

      Like

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  6. Sula
    May 21, 2015

    Oh my goodness you must have posted this when I was having a busy time and didn’t read it. Wow, I so admire you and I admire the bravery which it took both to go to court and to write this. You have my deepest respect and admiration. I’m just pissed off that, that evil person did not do jail time.

    Like

    • ChevsLife
      May 21, 2015

      Thanks Sula, it was a process that I needed in order to close that chapter of my life.

      Like

      • Sula
        May 21, 2015

        I totally understand that, writing can very much be part of the healing process

        Liked by 1 person

  7. whatudidntknow
    May 3, 2016

    I admire your guts for being able to write about and share what you went through.

    Like

  8. Pingback: Unmasking the Mommy Blog Journey - Guest Post Chevone Petersen

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This entry was posted on April 16, 2015 by in Life and tagged , , , , .
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